I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
