I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Ladies don't puke and tell
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
