If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
