They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
We were destined to go to rehab together
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
