Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
