Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
