I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
