i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
