I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
We just shotgunned beers for America
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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