woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
