Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
my shit smells like andre
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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