Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
