Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
