I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
