What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I party with great urgency now.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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