All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
