I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
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I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
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I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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