just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
