I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
