Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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