the condom got lost in my hair
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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