Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
