Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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