I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
