I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
