just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
