So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
