at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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