so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
My ass is underappreciated
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
