That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
