U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
