Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
