i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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