so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
