Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Randomize
