Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
