I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Dick very happy bro
My feet surprised me
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
