It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Randomize
