New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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