This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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