YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
