You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
