I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
