Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
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My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
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my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off