I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
