That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
