i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
