I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
