i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
