Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
