Well douche your snatch and let's go!
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
