Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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